7 THINGS THAT CAUSE MALADAPTIVE PERFECTIONISM & ANXIETY
Recently, we’ve been talking about when setting high standards for ourselves gets out of hand and creates anxiety. It’s called maladaptive perfectionism when it crosses that line and starts creating more problems (i.e., anxiety) than it solves. We identified the signs we’ve crossed the line, we figured out what your standards are, and we determined whether your standards are creating unnecessary anxiety. Today, we’re taking a step back and talking about what causes us to get in this situation. I mean, let’s be honest, we all like knowing where to place the blame 😉. Grab the PDF at the end to work through it for yourself.
There are 7 main things that cause maladaptive perfectionism and then anxiety. Let’s get to it.
1. Being praised for success creates perfectionism and anxiety
I mean, of course it’s a good thing to praise people for a job well done. When you get good grades, submit a stellar report, dress up extra special, or lose a few pounds, it feels really nice to have someone acknowledge your success. #killinit
Over a lifetime, our brains pick up on the difference between being praised for the outcome versus the effort. Consider the difference between these two forms of praise:
1 – This is the best evaluation you’ve ever written. Great work!
2 – You’ve been so committed to completing this evaluation. Thanks for your dedication to the company. Well done!
Comments such as the first one lead us to believe that it’s the result of our effort that matters. It’s the outcome, the achievement, the result that matters. The second allows us to realize that our efforts count, too. Over a lifetime of comments such as the first, we come to believe “People are proud of me if I succeed,” which contributes to developing unhealthy standards and ultimately maladaptive perfectionism and anxiety.
2. Other reinforcement for success creates anxiety
It’s not just praise that keeps our focus on success. We literally get rewarded for setting unhealthy standards.
When we set unhealthy standards related to our body (e.g., I should not have a muffin top), we get compliments on how we look, have more options for cute clothes to wear, and make friends who are also focused on changing their bodies.
When we set unhealthy standards related to academics (e.g., I should get all As), we get stellar grades, graduate at the top of our class, and earn scholarships to college.
When we set unhealthy standards related to work (e.g., I should respond to emails within 10 minutes), we get excellent reviews, climb the corporate ladder quickly, and command higher salaries.
These rewards tell our brain we’re doing something good and reinforce the unhealthy standards we set…and then create anxiety.
3. Being punished for mistakes creates anxiety
But perfectionism doesn’t just come from the good stuff. When we mess up, we expect there to be some consequences. We run a red light, forget to attend a meeting, leave the casserole in the oven too long, or pretend like we don’t know we’re out of gas, we expect to have to deal with the consequences. That’s how we learn. #hotmessexpress
But sometimes mistakes in our lives are the result of many different interacting factors. Like the bad grade we got on a test might be because we didn’t study as much as we would have liked but also because of all the other tests we had the same week, how many extra hours we had to work this week because someone kept calling in sick, and taking time to spend with our relatives who were visiting for the weekend.
When we’re punished as if the only factor is our effort, we make a conclusion like “I’m bad if I make mistakes.” Then, every time we make a mistake, it’s a huge blow to our self-esteem. It’s not just that I did something bad…I am bad.
4. Watching the people around us creates anxiety
We learn what kinds of standards to set for ourselves and how to treat ourselves when we make mistakes from watching our parents and other influential people in our lives.
Your parents have standards for how they keep the house and the yard, how they take care of their bodies, how much they dedicate to work, etc.
And when you were a kid, they also had standards for you: what kinds of grades you should get, what kind of friend you should be, how clean your room should be, etc. This is the very start of the standards we learn to adopt for ourselves.
Our parents also teach us how to treat ourselves when we don’t reach those standards.
If your parents were critical of themselves when they made mistakes, you’ll learn that’s how you’re supposed to react. This might look like criticizing their bodies, ruminating about a critique from their boss, or beating themselves up for accidentally offending someone.
Or if your parents often pointed out their mistakes, even when other people were praising them, you learn even “great” isn’t good enough.
So when someone comes over and compliments how nice the house looks, you hear, “Thanks, but the baseboards are so dusty! And the closets! Yikes!” You learn to do this to yourself, as well.
5. Our basic temperament can be anxious
Biologically, some of us are just more sensitive to developing unhealthy standards and criticizing ourselves for not reaching those standards. Certain mental health conditions (anxiety disorders, eating disorders, depression) are inherited and increase the likelihood of developing perfectionism. And perfectionism itself can actually be inherited to a small degree, as well.
6. How we think about the world can create anxiety
Our life experience creates a certain way of seeing and thinking about the world. Certain thinking patterns can lead to developing unhealthy standards and ultimately maladpative perfectionism and anxiety. Here are some examples:
“If I eat a cookie, my diet is ruined. I might as well eat a dozen now.”
“I should always look my absolute best.”
“Every race I run should be faster than the previous.”
“It’s unacceptable to have a boss who’s younger than me.”
“I don’t know if my guests have any food preferences, so I”ll just make a huge variety of things so they’ll be guaranteed to have something they love.”
“If I make a mistake on this project, I’ll need to start over and get it right the next time.”
Those thinking patterns perpetuate unhealthy standards are over time can create maladaptive perfectionism and anxiety.
7. Our culture creates anxiety
Over the past several decades, our culture has accelerated maladaptive perfectionism and anxiety.
In part, this is because our economy values competition and personal achievement. In other words, people who get farther in their jobs make more money and live lives that are perceived as more prestigious or valuable. We respect the valedictorians, CEOs, business owners, law firm partners, and medical directors of the world.
And our culture is more competitive than it has ever been, which just makes us set an even higher bar after every success. High school students now have far more rigorous expectations in terms of taking AP classes and achieving impossible scores on standardized tests, all while building a resume of extracurricular activities and somehow keeping their sanity at the same time. The competition is outrageous.
Young people now are more focused on accruing wealth than any previous generation, and they spend a greater proportion of their income on designer shoes, fancy yoga pants, and cool cars.
This is fueled by the competition we have between ourselves – we compare ourselves to everyone around us and prove our worth with what we own.
And you’ve heard this before, but social media has created this irrational ideal of the “perfect” person. We know it’s all fake but we can’t help but think we’re supposed to be that anyway. It’s like our brains can’t really compute that what we’re seeing with our own eyes isn’t real. It’s totally changing how we think about ourselves and how we evaluate how well we’re doing at the game of life.
Ultimately, anxiety is caused by a mismatch between what you've got and what you need
Ultimately, research suggests perfectionism is caused by a mismatch between the environment a child needs and the environment they have.
So for example, a child who has fragile self-esteem and perceives their parents to be judgmental and critical will feel unworthy and ashamed when they don’t meet the expectations they think their parents have. So they try to be perfect to gain the approval of their parents and prop up their self-esteem.
This whole pattern comes from an interaction between who we are (#5), how we see the world (#6), and the messages we receive from our environment (#1-4 & #7) that creates the pattern of overemphasizing success and achievement and minimizing the self.
I created a PDF to help you explore where your perfectionism might have come from. When you know where it came from, you can start to override it and ultimately overcome it. So grab that PDF to get started with articulating your own history of perfectionism and perfectionistic anxiety.
Perfectionism is stressful, and next week I’m detailing 9 signs of stress in women. I’m sure you know what stress feels like for you, but I bet some of them surprise you. Don’t miss it.\
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. If you skimmed, I see you 🙂 7 main things interact to create perfectionism and perfectionistic anxiety. Once you know what’s causing your perfectionism, you can start to win the fight. Grab the PDF to articulate exactly where your perfectionism came from. Next week, 9 signs of stress in women.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
