This time of year, we’re spending a lot of time with family.  And while that’s wonderful much of the time, it can also be stressful and highlight some of the dysfunction we all have in our families.  Unfortunately, arguments can erupt and ruin an otherwise positive experience.  Here are some tips for staying calm in an argument so you can get back to the food, gifts, and gratitude that make this a fun time of year.  As a bonus, these tips are helpful all year long for staying calm in arguments in virtually any context (think: coworkers, spouse, cable company…).

1.  Let go.

Consider whether this argument will matter in a few months or a year.  Almost certainly it won’t.  So, let it go.  Do the “Asteroid Scenario.”  If an asteroid were going to hit Earth in 5 days, would you want to spend this moment arguing with this person, or doing something different? Treat this situation as you would if an asteroid were coming. Sometimes you can simply say, “We disagree about this,” and move on to another topic.

2.  Breathe.

Take a break from the argument for a minute and do 4-7-8 breathing. Breathe in slowly from your belly for 4 counts, hold it for 7 counts, and exhale slowly for 8 counts while smiling and imagining stress leaving your body. Repeat 4 times.

3.  Relax.

Scan your body for areas of tension and release that tension. Check your jaw, fists, shoulders.

4.  Focus on what you’re doing.

If the argument is occurring during a meal, focus on chewing your food very slowly. Taste the food thoroughly. Feel the temperature and texture of the food. If it’s not a meal but is some other activity, focus on the activity. If you’re just sitting on the couch, scan your body and notice how your’e feeling in each body part.  This attention to what you’re doing will reduce the attention to the argument and drain out some of the emotion. Use your mindfulness skills.

5.  Identify the positive.

Try to identify what the person is doing right or what you like about them. Is there any part of their position you can agree with? When have they helped you or others? Compliment the other person.

6.  Visualize yourself being calm.

If you can’t walk away from the argument, imagine a calming scene — a sleeping puppy or baby, towels tumbling in the dryer, the sun shining on dewy grass, etc. Whatever makes you feel calm, imagine it in your mind’s eye and make the image as specific as possible and including as many sensory details as possible.

7.  Accept criticism gracefully.

Admit your mistakes. If the argument revolves around some sort of criticism of your behavior, accept the spirit of the criticism rather than becoming defensive. Acknowledge your role in what they are saying. This doesn’t mean you agree with what they’re saying, it just means you’re being strategic. The more defensive you are, the bigger the argument will get. So, accept the criticism and then make a private choice how to respond. You can choose to make the changes the person is requesting or to continue doing things the way you do them.

8.  Remember the argument might not actually be about what it seems to be about.

Think about a deeper issue you might be arguing about. For example, you and your boyfriend are arguing about who took the trash out last, but the real issue might be that you feel unsupported or he feels unappreciated.  Or there might be something the person you’re arguing with is bothered about that has nothing to do with you that has just provoked the argument. They might be (or even you might be!) overreacting because they’re stressed out or are having a bad day or any number of things. Can you identify something other than you that this argument is about? If you can, you might not take the argument as personally.

9.  Go for a walk.

If you have enough time to pause the argument, go for a quick walk around the block to drain out some of the physiological energy that builds up when we’re in a heated argument. You’ll come back home in a calmer, more patient mood and a fresher perspective on the issue.

Pick just one or two of these tips to focus on this week to see how it changes how you feel during an argument.  Add in new tips as you’re ready to find the combination of strategies that make the most difference. Next week, I’ll be back with even more ideas about how to remain calm in an argument.