Why You Feel Anxious When Someone Asks What You Did This Weekend
“What’d you do this weekend?”
That’s what your coworkers innocently ask you every Monday morning. They’re just making conversation, of course, but do you feel a pang of anxiety when you’re asked that question? Do you feel a need to justify your weekend? To prove that you spent it in a worthwhile way?
What Would Happen If You Told the Truth?
I mean, what would happen if you told the truth?
I took my makeup and my bra off 35 seconds after I got home Friday night and spent Saturday working on my Pinterest dream house. Then suddenly it was Sunday night and I panicked because we have no groceries and no clean clothes for the week. So I berated myself for that and made myself feel better with an evening of Netflix. This shirt I’m wearing today is dirty and I haven’t shaved my legs in 8 days.
Would your coworker laugh and high-five you because that’s exactly how they spent the weekend?
Would they glare at you and silently walk away?
Would they whisper about you to the rest of the company and spread rumors about how *gasp* lazy you are?
And How Would You Feel If You Told the Truth?
Would you feel empowered to share that you spent the weekend exactly how you wanted?
Would you feel ashamed that you didn’t do what you think you should have done?
Would you feel scared that they wouldn’t approve?
Maybe you’ve never really thought about what would happen if you let yourself spend the weekend exactly how you wanted and then told the truth about it. But I’d bet that if you really think about it, you’d be anxious…maybe even ashamed…to do that.
You Believe You’re Worthwhile When You’re Stressed
See, our culture has led us to believe that our worthiness is attached to our hustle. It’s the hustle, the stress, the busy-ness that tell us that we’re worthwhile, that we’re on track. We feel better about ourselves when our plate is full. Our self-esteem gets a boost when we’ve checked certain things off our to-do list. We think we’re doing something right when we’re constantly busy.
You Believe You’re Not Worthwhile When You’re Relaxed
And, unfortunately, the opposite also seems to be true. When we’re relaxed or calm, we tell ourselves we’re lazy…we should be doing more. You get to the end of a weekend and think about all the things you should have done…all the extra chores you could have done if you hadn’t “wasted” so much time. And you tell yourself you’re a bad wife, a lazy mom, a useless person.
But “Vacation You” Gets to Relax Without Guilt
The only time we really allow ourselves to relax guilt free is when we’re on vacation. On vacation, we tell ourselves it’s perfectly fine to lie by the ocean, sip cute drinks all day, and soak up the sun.
But as soon as we walk back in our own homes, it’s miraculously inexcusable. But, why should it make a difference? Why do we pretend like there are different rules for the 5 days we’re in Mexico than the 360 regular days we’re at home? Sure, not every day of our lives can be spent on the beach, but why should my definition of my own worthiness change depending on my beach status?
Where Does Your Worthiness Come From?
What makes your children worthwhile? Is it whether they get their chores done? How good their grades are? Or are they inherently worthwhile just because they’re alive?
What about your siblings? Are they valuable as human beings because of how much they get done on the weekends? Or how productive they are at work?
Or your friends? Are they deserving of respect because of how many things are on their to-do list? How much money they make? What kind of job they have? Or do they deserve respect simply because they’re decent humans?
What makes you worthwhile? Is it how stressed you are? How much you’re hustling? How much you’re grinding? Or is it your presence on this planet? Your compassion, your kindness, your spirit?
How to Stop Attaching Your Worthiness to Your Stress Level
If you have noticed that you judge yourself for taking a day off or a weekend off, start with my free 5-part course. In that course, I’ll teach you the three things that make us feel anxious when someone asks what we did on the weekend and how to reverse that pattern. Now that you know why this happens, that course will teach you how it happens and how to reverse it. Get started here.
We make a lot of decisions in our lives based on our feelings. We shop when we feel bored, we drink when we feel stressed, we sleep when we feel sad. Next week, I’ve got a message for you about how the emotional compass that guides your life is out of whack and how to recalibrate it. Don’t miss it.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Summary: A lot of people feel anxious when their coworkers innocently ask them what they did over the weekend. We feel that anxiety because we have inherent judgments about what we should have done and we feel inadequate when we didn’t meet those expectations. Get started with my free 5-part course to reverse this pattern.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
